I've always wanted to put my thoughts down somewhere without the cramps of writing. So I thought blogging would be the perfect opportunity for me. I have had a lot of heart to hearts with people over the years, and I was just thinking, when was the last time I had a heart to heart with myself? I don't know if I ever have. So I started this heart to heart, and the more I thought the more I got down on myself. Which was not the point of the personal conversation. So then I got to thinking about what I've learned about life and myself during my 21 years on earth. I don't write to you for your pity or for attention. I don't think that my life has ever been what you call typical, some aspects, yes, others, no. But at the same time, I know I share my difference with many people.
I grew up in what I would call a middle class family. With 1 brother and 1 sister, a few pets, my parents. At one point it was absolutely picture perfect. My brother was born with a cleft lip and palate, even into his teens he struggled with this. I heard mean comments and I knew that he did as well. But he was perfect to me. Still is. This is where one of the first things I've learned comes in. People will always say dumb things, there will always be mean people. I've always looked past peoples' flaws, accepted everybody for who they are on the inside. That's something my mom was very adamant about us learning. I don't let comments get to me or the way someone uses hurtful body language shake me. The 'Sticks and Stones' phrase, it's really true.
When I was starting middle school, my parents were ending their marriage. They say the trauma from divorce is very similar to a death in the family. I used to believe that. It was almost as if my parents were sharing their kids. And they fought about who gets who when, where we go and don't go on holidays. I felt like an object and not a person. I should have been grateful from the start that I still had both of my parents, just not all of the time. I had to grow up fast. I learned from this that it's okay to break down every once in a while. I also learned that tough times don't ever really last. You fall into a comfortability and learn to adapt to a new way of living in time.
I made it through middle and high school with the normal things. Breakups, makeups, friends, fights, you know all that good stuff. The fall after I graduated, I started caring about myself more than I cared about others, especially those I loved. I was admitted to the hospital in January of 2010 for anorexia. My three weeks in the hospital really gave me time to reflect on my life. My exact words to myself as I sat on my bed the first night I was in the hospital were, "Be tough and fearless, no crying while you're here". And I didn't. Not one tear was shed, not because I was closed off to my feelings but because I knew I couldn't be my open vulnerable self to get better. I learned how to be strong both mentally and physically. I learned how to take initiative and mend relationships that I had destroyed through my own actions. I really got to know myself. And I realized that if I didn't love myself first, I couldn't love those close to me.
Shortly thereafter, my baby sister was admitted to drug and alcohol treatment after I caught her in the act. At the fragile age of 15 years old. I blamed myself. Every day. I could have been more attentive, tried to be a better friend and sister to her. She told me that she hated me and never wanted to speak to me again. Normally, my defensive side would have lashed out at her. I told her, "Yes you will". And that was the last thing I said to her for about 2 months. She finally gave in. Anger is temporary. Anger consumes a huge part of your mind. I wanted to hate my sister too but I learned, you don't hate people, you just hate the way that they act. And people don't make you mad, you make yourself mad.
I've learned many more things throughout my life, I learn new things every day. These are the ones that are most important to me, the ones that will stick with me for the rest of my life. So as my sign off; be kind, be happy, help others, and think about what you can learn from sticky situations. You'll thank yourself someday for doing so.
K